


Simon does a backie

by Spina_Runner_51



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: 5am if you squint, F/M, Gen, S2S14, Simon is a cheeky bastard, Zombies bike, sifi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:00:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27904114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spina_Runner_51/pseuds/Spina_Runner_51
Summary: A novelization of S2, side mission 14: "Zombies, Bike!"Sam sends the runners on an excursion to the mall. Everything is going reasonably well--as well as supply runs ever go during the zombie apocalypse-- until Simon's bike blows a tire.  Then Five is forced to give Simon a ride on the back of her own bike to escape, and he makes the most of the opportunity.Five gets her revenge, however.Sort of.-G rated, though suggestive. I don't think it's possible for me to write something with Simon in it, without it being at least a little suggestive.And only a little bit of swearing!-No spoilers, but it does contain mission dialogue.
Relationships: Jody Marsh/Owen, Runner Five/Sam Yao, Simon Lauchlan/Runner Five
Kudos: 13





	Simon does a backie

“Great, guys,” said Sam. “So here you are on your bikes, cruising along comfortably…”  
Jody snorted. “Comfortably?”  
Sam plowed on. “The sun’s shining—”  
“No it isn’t,” interrupted Owen.  
“Well, the sun’s metaphorically shining, the breeze in is your hair, and you’re off to the mall—”  
“Isn’t that place absolutely swarming with zombs?” asked Jody.  
Sam huffed a bit over the radio. “Yeah, but it’s brand spanking new, which means it’s wheelchair accessible, which means it’s also bike accessible. You can outrun the zombs on cycles, and there’ll be no engine noise to attract them.”  
“It’s an inspired plan,” said Simon. He grinned cheerily up at the sky, as if to allow the sun the opportunity to glint on his teeth. Unfortunately the day was entirely overcast, with the sun very much hidden behind a thick blanket of clouds. And it was also very cold. Which made Simon’s clothing selection even more questionable than usual—or so Five considered it. She rolled her eyes at him, not for the first time that day.  
Owen also was eying Simon dubiously, leaning over his handlebars. “Wasn’t this all your idea?”  
Simon rotated his beaming smile in Owen’s direction. “Course, love,” he said.  
Owen shook his head and attempted to speed up and leave Simon behind. Unfortunately his bicycle didn’t seem eager to oblige. “Fricking Simon,” he grumbled.

By the time they neared the mall, the number of zombs milling about inside and out became abundantly obvious.  
“What exactly are we trying to find in here?” asked Owen.  
“Oh, well, lots of stuff,” said Sam. He had that breezy sound in his voice that he got when he was looking forward to something. “Camping stuff especially. Like maybe fishing rods? God, it would be nice to catch a fish. Bit of fried fish, some chips, mushy peas…”  
“Well, glad to know we’re risking our lives for a good reason,” said Jody bitterly.  
There was a general hunching of shoulders amongst the runners, and all of them fell silent.  
Sam cleared his throat. “There really are a lot of them in there, aren’t there?” he asked.  
_Yes,_ _Sam, a lot,_ thought Five. _The answer to the question: how many zombs are there inside that mall? There are a lot of zombs inside._ She gritted her teeth as she worked the pedals of her bike. _I hope your cod and chips are worth it, Sam. I really hope they’re worth it. And you are damn well going to share._  
“Yeah,” said Owen, nervously. He was looking increasingly unhappy about his bright pink beach cruiser. Earlier Simon had told him that he thought the tassels on the handlebars were “fetching”, but for some reason this hadn’t noticeably improved Owen’s mood.  
“A whole lot of undead, not leaving, not wandering away,” continued Sam, philosophically, “just shambling around in there like some kind of commentary on the mindless consumerism festering at the heart of late-stage capitalism.”  
There was a shocked silence. Then Five said, before she could stop herself, “I love it when you talk dirty to me, Sam.”  
Next to Five, Simon swerved so hard he nearly fell over and almost ran into Jody, who squealed and shot him a dangerous look.  
Over the radio, Sam made a nervous chuckle. “Um. Well. Yeah. So,” he said. He didn’t exactly sound displeased.  
“Uh, yeah,” said Jody, still glaring warily at Simon. “Any idea how we’re going to get around all these zombs, before we just cycle straight through that crowd? I’m not feeling great about this, guys.”  
Simon cleared his throat. “Hey mate,” he said to Sam, “did you know I was in the running to represent Britain in the BMX event of the 2012 Olympics?”  
“Really?” said Sam, sounding excited.  
“Don’t be daft,” said Simon. Owen, behind Simon and to the left, snorted.  
“But I did ace the slalom in my cycling proficiency test,” said Simon. “We can weave in and out of them, no problem. You ready, Five?” He looked back at her with a grin that contained a considerable amount of challenge. Five narrowed her eyes.  
Simon put on a burst of speed and wove through the first group of zombs before they could even react. They turned as he passed by, making moaning complaints and reaching towards him with rotting fingers, but getting nowhere close. Simon laughed with joy. “This is great!” he shouted.  
Owen, struggling with his clumsy pink bike, seemed less pleased. “Bloody hell!” he yelled. Beside him Jody screamed. She worked her pedals furiously, her face turning red. She just managed to avoid the snapping teeth of a crowd of zombies wearing matching shirts, each depicting a little tub of frozen yogurt smiling cheekily and wearing a little pink hat.  
_God, it’s been forever since I’ve had frozen yogurt,_ thought Five, dodging past two zombs with their arms hanging off. Then she thought, _I’ve been spending entirely too much time with Sam, haven’t I?_  
“Quick, up that ramp and into the camping shop!” cried Sam.  
“The zombs are really close behind!” said Owen, in a breathy voice.  
“Can you stay on your bikes while you shop?”  
“The doors are open!” said Jody. “It’s a tight squeeze but—“  
Simon careened through the open door first, bumping against the bar, and skidded inside. The others followed. “We’re through!”  
“Brilliant!” said Sam. “Grab everything you can!”

The plan was, despite everything, going well. The zombs were falling behind, they’d found lots of useful things in the mall, and they were nearly out of the car park. Five had begun to wonder if they might actually make it through this one without running into unnecessary trouble. Then Simon ran over a drift of broken glass. His tire collapsed and he shuddered to a stop.  
“Three’s blown his tire out!” said Owen, somewhat unnecessarily. Everyone had seen, as Simon had been in the lead. Owen and Jody steered around him, still going.  
“So much for your super duper bike,” yelled Jody, with a hint of malice in her voice.  
Simon scrambled to his feet, yanking at the bike and look back at the horde behind them in a panic. Five saw him and circled back, thinking, _Okay, I’ve got my ax, Simon’s got his bat, how many can we take out?_  
But the crowd coming for them from the rear of the car park was a lot. A whole lot. It looked like they’d manage to pick up half the zombie population of the mall.  
“Can you run for it?” asked Sam.  
Owen said, “You saw how it was outside, Sam. Even if he gets away from the ones behind, the whole place is totally surrounded.”  
“I thought there was a reason we tended to prefer runners to bikers,” said Sam.  
Simon dropped the bike behind him, struggling to get his heavy pack off of the rack and over his shoulders. He looked up saw Five coming back in his direction.  
“There’s only one thing for it,” said Simon. “Runner Five, you’ll have to give me a backie!” There was fear in Simon’s voice, presumably from the proximity of the zombies, but Five couldn’t help hearing something else in there, too. It sounded as if was enjoying himself. “Slow down a sec!” he shouted. Five squealed to a stop.  
Her bicycle wobbled dangerously as hopped on bike behind her, perching himself directly on the rear rack. She had strapped her backpack to one side of the rack, so Simon had to negotiate his way over the top and lift his feet to keep from dragging on the ground. He reached over and wrapped his arms around her waist. When she put her weight on the pedal to get going again, the bike hardly moved.  
“Thanks, Five, you’re a gem!” yelled Simon, still sounding more delighted than afraid. Christ, Simon weighed a lot. Five had to fully stand on one pedal to make it start moving at all, and the whole thing creaked.  
Meanwhile, the zombs were getting closer and closer behind them. She could hear their groans increasing in volume. It always happened when they got excited.  
“Bike for both our lives!” Simon yelled, right in her ear.  
“I’m fucking trying!” yelled Five back. She leaned over the handlebars and stomped on the pedal with all her might.  
“Simon…” said Sam, in a tight voice, “Isn’t riding on the back of the bike, like, really uncomfortable?”  
Five felt a push forward and realized that Simon was using his feet to help her get momentum, scrambling them along the ground. He made a scoffing noise. “It's a tad more comfortable than getting eaten alive by zombies, Sam!” shouted Simon.  
There was an edge to both men’s voices. Five might have wondered about it, if she’d had time to think and her legs weren’t on fire.  
But now she had the pedals moving at last. She could feel Simon still trying to help, and then she was going faster than he could push, and he shifted behind her as he picked his feet up of the ground, trying to hold them away from the rear wheel. She had started picking up speed at last, but not enough. Still not enough to get some distance between them and the horde. She could hear Sam starting to panic. “Five, those zombs are getting really close behind you. Can you, maybe, go a bit faster?” His voice was rising into an increasingly higher pitch.  
“Five is going as fast as anyone could, when they have to drag a great big like lump like me along with them,” said Simon. “I think you might have to leave me, guys.”  
She felt his grip on her stomach loosen, as if he was preparing to let go. She tensed, surprised. She had never heard Simon say anything like that before.  
Then Owen swerved in front of them. “Not going to happen, mate,” he said in a grim voice. “We’ll draw some off you. Right, Jody?”  
“Since when did you get to volunteer me for suicide duty?” Jody was struggling just ahead of Five, as they wove their way out of the car park and onto the road.  
“Since it was down to us to save Five and Three’s lives!”  
Owen yelled something inarticulate, turned in a wide circle and swerved closer to the pack—though not too close. “Over here you bloody tools!” he yelled.  
Jody made an angry noise and then followed, her face even more red than before. “Over here zombies!” she cried. “Follow me!”  
The zombies began to turn, and Five pedaled with all of her might.

They hit a clear section of road after they made it out of the park. Finally she was able to get a little farther ahead. A little way behind them Owen and Jody were whooping and hollering, drawing away the zombs.  
Five tried to turn her head far enough to see Simon’s face. His comment about being left behind had thrown her. Simon was pressed tightly against her, his arms wrapped around her stomach to hold on, and she hadn’t calculated how much throwing his weight along with hers to one side would shift her balance. The moment she shifted a little, the bike wobbled dangerously beneath them, promising a crash that would take both of them down. She turned immediately back to the handlebars, her stomach flopping over. She felt Simon tighten his grip and lean closer.  
“Steady on, Five,” said Simon, against her ear. “I can take over as soon as we’re far enough away, and then you can ride behind me while I do all the heavy lifting, if you like.”  
His chest was pressed against her back. It was like having a bumpy wall leaning most of its weight against you.  
“Don’t… you… wish, Simon,” she panted. “So you can say… that you… rescued me.”  
Simon chuckled. “Oh, I’m happy to play the damsel in distress if you want to be my knight, Five. Besides, as long as you’re driving I get to enjoy watching those thighs of yours at work.”  
Five rolled her eyes and resisted the urge to swerve very hard and see if she could manage to make him fall off. She conquered the impulse for two reasons, one: because his arms were wrapped so tightly around her that she was fairly sure he’d only bring her along with; and two: there were the zombies not far behind them. Which would probably kill him. And probably her, too. Which was probably taking things a bit too far. Probably.  
Anyway, she understood his tactics. He was trying to distract her by annoying her. It was effective. It was also, however, still annoying.  
“Shut…up…Simon,” said Five. The powerful sentiment was only somewhat undercut by her desperate gasping for breath.

“It’s working!” cried Sam, a little later. They were in the center of a row of shops that ran outside the mall, stretching along towards the center of town.  
“Six and Four drawing the zombies off— Oh, damnit. Those three old lady zombs just aren’t giving up.”  
“I know!” shouted Simon. He let go of her with one arm and pointed. “Wait, stairs! There’s that big flight through the arch up ahead, leading to the town center. Ah,” he said wistfully. “I spent many happy hours here before the apocalypse, reenacting the opening number of the _Sound of Music_.”  
Five couldn’t quite get enough breath to laugh, but she tried. It came out as sort of a raspy panting. Simon shifted against her back. She could somehow tell that he knew his joke had landed and he was congratulating himself for it. She could imagine his pleased face behind her as she gasped with painful laughter.  
“You know what zombies and old ladies don’t like?” he continued, in a cheery voice. “Stairs!”  
The arch was coming up ahead, and Five eyed the giant set of stairs with growing apprehension. They were shallow, at least—the kind of splayed, auditorium type steps that architects always seemed to want to put in front of civic buildings. She hadn’t exactly gone down a lot of stairs before, on a bike. _First time for everything,_ she thought. _What’s the worst that could happen, we crash and are grievously injured and the zombies catch up and eat us?_  
She did know that she had to keep up her speed just right in order for them to go down the stairs fast enough to keep from falling over, but she couldn’t go so quickly that she lost control. _Well, here goes nothing,_ she thought. She was too close now to stop or turn. She gnashed her teeth together, anticipating the shock as they began their descent.  
They went down the steps in a series of horrible thuds, Five’s heart in her throat all the way. It was painful enough for Five, even with her cushioned seat and the benefit of springs. It did not seem to go nearly so well for Simon. Behind her, his cries of pain transformed and elongated into a yodel.  
“This really huuuuuuurrrrrttssss…” he sang.  
Five couldn’t hold back her laughter any longer, despite the jarring thuds going through her whole body. She heard Simon’s voice quiver with pain and cut out entirely, and she was lost. By the bottom of the stairs she was hyperventilating and her hands and arms had gone so weak she could hardly hold onto the handlebars. She skidded to a stop, barely keeping them both upright, and leaned forward and wheezed. She managed to raise her eyes long enough to cast a glance behind her. The three little old lady zombs had stopped at the top of the stairs, groaning and milling with an air of forlorn resentment, as if they wanted to speak to a manager.  
Behind her, Simon was shuddering and groaning against her back.  
“Oh, my poor bum,” he moaned.  
“No one believes it’s only your bum!” yelled Jody, whizzing past. A moment later Owen followed on his bright pink bike, cackling.

Once they were clear of the pack of zombs and well away from the mall, Simon said, "Would you like to switch now, Five? We can give your legs a rest. Surely they must be tired after lugging me around."  
They had gained some momentum and the road had flattened out, so it didn't take so much effort to keep them going. Five's calves were still burning, but it was gradually easing off. "My legs are fine," she said, still a touch out of breath. "I can make it back to Abel."  
"Even up that hill?"  
She was silent.  
She heard him swear quietly against her back. Then he said in her ear, but not her radio, "Alright, bugger it, Five, you cruel mistress. Would you please switch with me so I can get a turn sitting on the nice padded bike seat you're currently enjoying? I'm in a lot of pain at the moment."  
Five pressed her lips together, trying to hold back a laugh. She said into her mic, "Sam, are there any zombs in the vicinity?"  
There was a sound of rustling. Sam said, with a muffled noise that meant his mouth was full, "Let me check."  
It had been quiet for a bit now, since they left the mall. Sam must have been taking the opportunity to have lunch. God help him if it was one of those Marmite sandwiches and Janine saw, Five thought. She'd enacted a strict ban.  
There was more rustling. "You're clear all round, Five. Why, what's happening?"  
"I'm going to stop a minute so Simon can take over peddling."  
"Oh, that's— that's probably a good a idea," said Sam. "It's pretty amazing you were capable of hauling him all that way, frankly. He's enormous."  
"I'm also on the radio," said Simon.  
"I know, I know!" said Sam defensively, his voice going up in pitch in a way that made it sound very much like he'd forgotten. "But you did say it yourself, I'm just... Agreeing with you. Besides, I mean enormous like... All covered in muscles and things. It's not an insult."  
"I can't deny it, I am a true specimen," said Simon, preening.  
"You're a specimen all right," said Jody drily, over the radio.  
Five grinned. She stopped pedaling and gingerly applied the brakes. A moment later Jody pulled up beside them as Five slowed awkwardly to a stop. Owen arrived just afterwards.  
Both Jody and Owen stood in their seats, taking the opportunity to stretch. Behind Five, Simon got to his feet, releasing her, but didn’t yet move away.  
"Christ," said Owen. "Next time someone else takes the bloody cruiser."  
"At least you have gears," said Jody, bitterly.  
Owen turned towards her with hunched shoulders, instantly ready for a fight. "Oh, you want to switch?"  
Jody sneered, not to be outdone. "Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Getting the girl on the bright pink girl's bike?"  
"So you admit it's a girl's bike?" said Owen, ramping up. "You told me that pink is gender neutral now!"  
"It can be!" yelled Jody. "Why do we have to bring old gender roles into our new society?"  
"We don't have to!" screamed Owen. "But you're the one who called it a girl's bike!"  
There was a brief silence. Jody stared at Owen in fury and surprise. Then she blinked.  
"Yeah, you're right," she said in a completely different tone. "You want to switch?"  
"Yes, please," said Owen.  
They both put their bikes down on the ground and exchanged places as if nothing had happened at all.  
Meanwhile Simon and Five had frozen in place, half off their bike, watching the altercation. Now they unfroze at last and met each other's eyes.  
Simon shook his head in wonder. "At least our bickering is kind of sexy," he said.  
Five swung her leg over the bar, shoved the bike at him and started down the road on foot. "Maybe I'll ride with Jody," she said. "Or I'll just run alongside."  
Simon made a contrite face, somewhat marred by his clear struggle not to laugh. "Sorry, Five! I'll behave myself!" He tried to run after her, rolling the bike in front of him, but then he bent double, groaning. Five was back a second later, leaning over him.  
"What's wrong, Three?"  
He looked up at her with watering eyes. "Jody was right. It wasn't just my bottom."  
Five laughed so hard she had to put her hands on her knees.  
A few minutes later they were all back on their bikes, Five behind Simon. She had decided to forgive him after his bout of suffering, at least long enough to get back to Abel. Besides, even with the cushioning of the bike seat, he made a small whimper of pain every time they hit a bump, and there was no way she was going to miss all of that.

Simon had a strained, terrible look on his face that evening, as he hobbled in and out of the showers and into the cafeteria. Five registered it and bit her lip, wanting to laugh at him, but remembering all the times in the recent past that she’d been hobbling herself and Simon had actually been helpful and rather thoughtful about it. She managed to keep her amusement to herself.  
Later she found him near a wall during dinner. He was very notably standing rather than sitting, with his tray balanced on an empty table beside him. A few people were casting curious glances his way, noting his avoidance of his usual place at the runners’ table. He was meanwhile doing a credible job of pretending not to notice. He still had that pale, strained expression.  
He looked up with surprise as Five sat on the bench in front of him. She smiled mysteriously and showed him something in her hand, wrapped in a towel. At his questioning look, she opened the towel to reveal a frozen gel pack.  
“Here you go, Lauchan,” she said.  
He gazed down at the pack in her hand with wonder. “Five… how… How did you?”  
She smiled crookedly. “I promised Maxine I’d pick up a few extra things for her, next time I get the chance. And that I’d spend my next free afternoon helping out in the lab.”  
He reached out and took it from her reverently and with gentle fingers, cradling the pack in the towel as if it were something fragile.  
“I’ll cover that shift,” he said.  
“You don’t have to. I know you don’t like hospital things—“  
He shook his head. “No. I owe you. You saved my life today. And then, this.” He lifted the bundle and grinned at her, as if he could only maintain seriousness for so long. “Would you like to watch me apply it?”  
She covered her face with her hands. Then she met his eyes and laughed. “I think we’ve both suffered enough for today,” she said.  
He chuckled a little, then jutted his chin at her, serious again. “Are your legs alright? We could share. We could take turns… or at the same time…”  
She made an exasperated noise and stood. “Don’t make me regret being nice to you, Lauchlan,” she said.  
“You don’t already?” he asked, brightly.  
She walked away, shaking her head. He grinned after her.  
Once she was gone he cast a quick look around the cafeteria, to see if anyone was watching. It didn’t seem like anyone was—but then realized he didn’t much care, either way. He wasted no more time in applying the pack to the appropriate location. And if someone was looking, well— he supposed it was only fair to give them a thrill too, sometimes.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Runner Five, Report! for the transcript and their amazing work!  
> I used some of the dialogue from the episode, and some of my own.


End file.
